Wow, six weeks without a journal entry -- that has to be some kind of record, even for me.

It's been an interesting time...the muse is gone.  I mean, really MIA.  AWOL.  Pooftah.  The urge to write, left with her, and although I figure it will come back eventually I can't see it anywhere in sight.  I even went to far as to take the writing files off the computer and transfer them to the flash drive.  Not much point in having them on there if I'm not going to access them, right?  It's interesting -- I've spent so much time in "writer mode" that now that I've ground to a halt, I really don't miss it all that much.  Maybe it's a side effect of being so immersed in it for so long.  The biggest push I had to write was D, but now that she and I no longer share that connection, there isn't anyone to give me that nudge.  It's okay though -- at this point I'm not sure a nudge would help.

So, for the first time in something like four or five years, the writing part of me is completely silent.  I have no zines to manage, no stories or novels to polish, no publishing issues to deal with.  I can go for two or three days without even turning on the computer - how weird is that?  The job that pays the bills is busy, my real life friends are seeing more of me.  I'm reading, getting out of the house, doing other things.  It seems strange to say, but if the muse decides not to come back, I might even be okay with that.

So.  You'll probably see less of me.  There will be longer stretches between posts.  Might come a day when my LJ disappears altogether.  I don't seem to be upset about that -- just sort of indifferent.  The way I feel about the whole writing thing.  If it comes back, great.  If it doesn't, great. 

But at least I can say I've been published, and I guess that's something.

So, I'm another year older today.

I know most people do their goal setting at New Year's, but I think, for me, doing it birthday to birthday makes it a little more personal, and a little more relevant.  So here's my birthday look back, and look ahead ;)

The look back is a little scary -- it seems my life has been a roller coaster ride, creatively.  I did get a few things done, though.  I finished The Cartel, after a major re-write of the back half of the novel.  It's still not exactly where I want it, but at least I have the basic story down even if it still needs work.  I got so caught up in LP and putting out the fires there, that nothing else got done -- I still have long list of unfinished projects languishing away on my hard drive.   My strongest online friendship has died -- my fault for making bad choices, bad decisions.  Losing that friend is, and always will be, my biggest regret. 

The look ahead is a little less scary, even if it is kind of uncertain. 

I've left LP, so I don't have all the angst and BS associated with that anymore. 

I need to regain some of the balance I've lost between the creative me and the "normal" me.  I need to take time away from the computer and I've set aside one day a week that will be totally "online" free.  Time to read, play video games, visit friends, shop -- whatever, so long as it has nothing to do with the computer, or the internet. 

I've asked Samhain to release me from my contract so that I can market Hunter to another publisher as part of the AJ series.  They're supposed to be working on that.  I want to adjust and expand Hunter, increase the word count a little and fix up a few things that I wasn't totally happy with the first time.  I'm hoping that having the first two books of the series complete will make it easier to sell to someone else.  

I want to finish the two most "complete" of my unfinished projects - Lyrica and Shadow Warden.  I don't know what I'll do with them once they're done, but getting them to the end of the first draft stage will be a start. 

I want to become a writer of short stories again -- it seems that everything I write morphs into this big old thing.  I have a few ideas that I want to play with, hopefully they'll stay short, or at least novella length ;)

I'd like to try my hand at free-lance editing - I think I might be pretty good at it.

I want to purchase my own domain and move my website to my very own place on the web. 

There are other things that will appear as the year progresses, but those make for a pretty good start. 

I feel sort of like my spirit is taking a big, deep breath -- getting ready for the next round.  Whatever comes this year, I know it has to be less chaotic than last year.  I hope.

So...Happy Birthday to Me ;)

Probably for me -- Jean Claude from the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series :)

It's been so hot here the past week or so that I don't feel like doing much of anything -- the heat and I don't get along :P

I am, however, working on a new historical project.  Boyo asked for a Viking story, so that's the plan.  It's starting to come together slowly.  I have a title (always good to have one of those) and the cast is starting to fill out.  Once I know the "who" I'll start working on the "what" ;)  I need to do a lot of research, but I haven't given myself any kind of deadline so there's no rush.  If the weather would cool down to something less than 30 deg C every day, I might be more inclined to sit at the computer and work on it :P

The third book in the AJ series is percolating away in my head as well.  Since Samhain will soon be releasing my Hunter rights back to me, and the Cartel is as close to done as I can make it, I can take a little time away from the SF stuff for awhile.  I want to make some changes to Hunter when I get my rights back.  Increase the word count a little and maybe expand a few places.  Once that's all done I'll start looking for a new home for the series.  In the meantime I have lots to keep my busy besides the Vikings ;)

I'm sleeping lots.  Relaxing lots.  Thinking lots.  Watching TV and just generally vegging lots. 

I could get used to it ;)

Why does my creative life have to be in continuous crisis? :P

For those on my flist who don't know, I've taken an LOA from LP.  It will probably end with me resigning completely.  I won't go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say I'm tired (read exhausted) and I can't continue with the press the way things are set up now.  I'm not sure I want to continue even if they do change. 

I spent some time yesterdau reconnecting with folks I haven't spoken to in awhile.  I'm concentrating my energy on my own writing for a change, rebuilding my personal web presence.  Playing on facebook ;)  It's only been a little over a week and that brittle, antsy, exhausted energy is starting to settle into something a little more managable.  One of my friends pretty much summed it up.  She said "It's time you did what you want and not what you think you should."

Yeah.  I think so.

So, I sent The Cartel off to my editor at Samhain -- and she rejected it.  Apparently it's not "hot" enough for their new guides.  Not a total surprise there, I kind of expected that.  I emailed the publisher and asked her to release me from my contract so that i can market the complete series to someone else, we'll see what she says. 

Researching new markets is a such a pain :P

So, I'm feeling kinda...I don't know.  Good, I guess.  It's kind of hard to describe.  You know that feeling you get when you're standing on the edge of something that could change your life forever?  That's kind of where I am lately.  I feel good and anxious at the same time -- like something's coming that I won't have much control over, but may or may not be good for me.  It's a very weird feeling. 

I've joined a couple of online dating sites -- maybe that's what's up?  Maybe I'm going to find the love of my life?  The Visa people sent me a credit card -- that means I get to rebuilt my shattered credit.  That's good, too, right?  So...maybe the cosmic whatevers have decided I'm ready to start a few things over.  The Cartel is done and I'm working on the synopsis.  I've sent the mss to Linda at Samhain, and maybe, hopefully, it will be "romancy" enough for them.  Work at the day job is going okay, for a change.  LP has evened out -- I have a few things I need to get done for them, but nothing major and nothing that's immediate.  It feels like all of the psychic chaos that I've been caught up in has sort of withdrawn for a little while.

Is this what "peace" feels like?

Well, I did it.  I finally finished the latest draft of The Cartel.  It's rough in spots, but the new ending is there, and it works for the most part -- just needs a little tweaking.  I figure I should have it ready to send to Samhain by the end of August -- at least that's the goal. 

It kind of amazes me that even with all the other miscellaneous and related bullshit, I still managed to get it done -- there were some days when running with Gage and Company was the only reward I allowed myself. 

But I did it.  Now I just have to polish it up :)

Go me :D

When I started this blog, I meant it to be a writing adventure -- so my friends and family could follow my progress and help me celebrate my little victories.  That direction has gradually changed over the past six months to a year.  It's not that I don't write anymore, cause I do -- although the actual writing time has been pretty limited of late.  The writing groups that I used to belong to, I don't anymore.  I've either outgrown the need for them, or they just don't help me the way they did in the beginning.  I'm not much of a short story writer anymore either, most of what I work on now are larger novella/novel projects, most of them still languishing away on my computer.  I keep saying I'll get to them, but...yeah.  The only one that refuses to die is The Cartel, and I still plan to finish that and send it off to my editor at Samhain.  Eventually.

I went through something of a creative crisis this past year.  I sort of got sucked into this burned out black hole that was very hard for me to crawl out of.  The joy of writing is back, even if its still a little tentative -- I have other, bigger things that have taken over my time and attention -- writing related, small press related.  Even with the stress of trying to keep that whole part of my life from self destructing, I seem to be doing not too bad.  Books are in edit, editors have been hired.  Things could definitely be worse.  Hell, things definitely have been worse. A few of my stronger writing friendships are currently sitting in a holding pattern.  No effort made by either side to strengthen them or even maintain them.  They'll either survive, or they won't, and at this point I'm not sure I care either way.  I've thought more than once recently about abandoning the whole LJ thing altogether -- there didn't seem to be a lot of point in keeping it up when the creative, writer part of me was struggling.  I've decided that I will keep my blog going -- but it will be more of a "personal, this is my life" thing, and not so much a "write or die" thing. 

I don't really see myself as a "writer" anymore -- I'm more of an editor and publisher.  There are those on my flist who will probably laugh at that, I can hear the snorts and snickers already, but whatever.  I may get it wrong sometimes.  I may over react and get a little freaked out, but no one can doubt my dedication or my desire.  I'm human, yeah?  Sometimes I screw up.  

At least I'm honest enough to admit it. 

4 weeks without a blog entry??  That can't be right :P

It's been a little crazy -- still.  Work stuff (both LP and the day job) are conspiring to run me into the ground and keep me there.  I'm beginning to realize that I can't do both well, but I can't give either of them up.  Trying to keep all the balls in the air is getting harder, but so far I haven't dropped any, so I guess that's something.  The Editor Search is coming along -- I've received one resume and sent out the editor's test, and I have a line on another editor as well, I'm just waiting for her contact information.  There are at least 2 novels in the slush pile I'm waiting to accept, but can't yet until I have at least one more content ed, and one more line ed -- the three of us doing the job now honestly can't take on anything else without the universe exploding.  I'm hoping to get at least 2 of the abandoned mss on my plate settled and done this month -- that only leaves 2 more to worry about.  The cover is done for BWT -- the artist has done an awesome job and the author is happy -- now I just have to finish the edits.

LP has hired a sales and marketing director (did I mention that?) and she's already hit the ground running -- we're working on going to print soon and Boss Man is looking at a way to get us listed on Amazon. 

I just need more hours in the day, more days in the week, and a little less chaos.

As for finding time for my own writing?

Yeah, right :P

So, it's been a busy weekend as far as LP goes -- I'm tired, but I've managed to get a lot done.  I'm a third of the way through first round edits on DS, and I've also managed 50 pages of STU.  I've accepted a YA novel, posted 2 slush subs and even gotten a few admin things out of the way.  Hopefully we'll have the adjusted guidelines up soon -- Boss man has the html, he wants to check it over first in case my free editor butchered the code, apparently I'm told that happens sometimes.  The ongoing projects have been divided between me and Michelle (we have 3 each) and I'll probably be taking over BWT as well, since I don't expect the author to wait until we hire new editors.  I haven't had much time to work on my own stuff -- my personal deadline for finishing this latest revision of The Cartel will probably fall by the wayside, but oh well -- its a matter of priorities, and right now LP has to come first.  

I don't think I'm going to do much more tonight -- will probably drop a movie into the DVD player and relax for the rest of the evening. 

I think I've earned a break :P

So, I downloaded a free html editor and spent the day adjusting the LP guides and a few other of the site's pages.  I haven't uploaded them yet, Boss Man still has to give his okay, but it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be once I figured out how the actual editor worked.  I wanted to work on my own stuff today, but didn't get a chance -- I feel sort of...energized, I guess is the word.  Focused and scattered at the same time.  I appear to be in full on LP mode, and my own stuff is just going to have to wait until this phase passes and I find a way to balance everything.

It's been a quiet day for the most part -- Boyo and I went for breakfast, and I spent the rest of the day on the computer playing with files.  Chatted for awhile with Tra`'s girl, posted a short story to Anthology Builder (just to see what happens with it).  Tomorrow after work I'll get back to the editing of DS -- I'm on page 30 something of 300, so it's kinda slow going.  I'm sure it will get faster and easier with the next novel I attempt to edit. lol

Tomorrow it's back to work.

Yay :P

So, yes, I'm still alive -- it's been crazy, especially over the past week or so -- if you happened to read my last journal entry posted yesterday (which was supposed to be posted elsewhere, but whatever) then you know part of it.  For those on my flist who didn't read that last entry then I guess I'll have to explain.

There have been major staffing changes at LP -- our senior editor has resigned, along with one of our content eds, so it's going to be a bit crazy for awhile.  Nothing we can't manage, just a lot of reorganization and reassuring to do.  Senior Editor's resignation didn't come as a total surprise -- she hasn't been happy for awhile, and this probably would have happened soon enough anyway.  I've taken over her job, as well as the editing of at least 2 of our projects, so it will be very busy for me for the next while.  We'll be advertising for new editors soon, and it won't be long before we're back up to full strength.  Business is continuing despite the temporary chaos, and I know it will all work out.  Friendships are a little strained at the moment, but we'll weather and survive that too -- SE and I have been friends a long time, and we've been down this road before more than once.  It might take us a little while, but we'll be okay eventually.  She probably doesn't believe it, but I'm really not mad.  The situation that started all this was partly my fault, I freely admit that, and I could have handled it better than I did.  Anger and defensiveness can be a dangerous combination.  I won't go into all the gory details -- suffice it to say it wasn't pretty.  End result - two editors gone.  One, a good friend I'm sorry to see go, the other...(shrug)

So, the past few days (since Thursday) have been something of a trial -- I've edited shorts before when I ran WoW, but editing a full-blown novel is a much different thing -- similar, but different.  I've set aside Sundays as "my time" -- I need a day to work on my own stuff, and to take a breather from LP, even though I know I'll probably use part of it doing LP stuff anyway.  There's so much to do and take care of that I don't think it's possible to take a full day off.  I feel a real responsibility to our authors, and right now their stuff has to come first.  I enjoy the challenge of running a small press.  Boss Man and I compliment each other, I think -- he's good at the production/webmaster stuff, and I'm good at the administrative/organizational stuff.  Despite all the chaos of the past few days, I'm actually creatively happier than I've been in a long while.  I didn't realize how much I missed the actual editing process -- it feels good to be back into it again.  

On the personal front, things are chugging along.  I still have a day job, boyo is still riding horses for the army.  I'm back working on The Cartel and have the front half of the novel sort of semi fixed.  The back half (the last 10 or 12 chapters) is where most of the work lies, I'll try to get a start on that tomorrow.  I plan on subbing it to Samhain when it's ready, which means cranking up the sex and romance -- what can I say, if you can't beat 'em, you might as well join 'em, right?  

So there you go -- I'm alive and well, and even though I'm swimming against the current right now, I'm pretty sure I won't drown. 

So, a very interesting thing has happened.

I met this awesome writer -- someone with such joy and enthusiasm for the craft that talking to her has been like a much needed breath of fresh air.  I know it sounds corny, but we do feel like kindred spirits.  We both write "male" better than "female", we both approach the actual craft of writing in the same way.  We struggle with the same things.  She's been able to do something that I thought would take months of my stumbling about in the dark to accomplish -- she's awakened my muse, and she's coaxed the words back.   I've spent the past few days actually writing, and I have to say it feels pretty damn good.  I still can't touch The Cartel -- that sucker needs waaay to much work to even consider right now, but I have been poking away at Lyrica, which is the most finished of my unfinished things.  I've gotten a few "fragment" scenes down and saved, so I can stick them in when I figure out where they'll go.  I've added words to the complete file, adding description, expanding relationships and generally fleshing things out.  I might even have a bead on the ending -- that will certainly help towards knowing when I'm done. lol  I've decided that when it's finished I'm going to sub it to my editor at Samhain -- paranormal romance fits their guides, and this will definitely fit by the time its done.  I'm also thinking of adjusting The Cartel and it's various sequels so that they fit as well.  It wouldn't take much -- increase the romance factor along with the adventure -- heat things up a little.  I could do it.  I will do it.  I never really thought of myself as a "romance" author -- there seems to be a certain stigma attached to that for some reason.  I guess I'm guilty of thinking that I was somehow better than that.  Silly, huh.  

I'm a writer.  Period.  And I'm writing again, and rediscovering the joy with a little help from someone who really "gets" me. 

That's kinda nice.

And it's good to be back. 

I'm still here.  Still not writing, although I did open The Cartel briefly yesterday and kinda poke at it, mostly because those who have read Hunter keep asking me when I'll have the sequel ready.  Lilley Press is taking up more of my time, which is a good thing.  Royalty statements go out next week, so I've been busy with that.  I also have four new subs to look at as part of the acquisitions reading panel, I'll have to get to those at some point today.  Work is going okay, although that could change if any more stores close -- three gone just after Christmas, and two more gone by the end of this month.  The only thing that looks good about that is that there are so few of us at Head Office to get the admin stuff done that I'm pretty sure he can't afford to lay any of us off  right now. 

So I'm still plodding along -- spending more time with boyo, trying to get in shape a little by working out two days a week.  Trying to keep the diabetes under control - which some days I succeed at better than others.  

It's been...okay.

2008 has been an interesting year for me.  Busy, turbulent, creative.  Lots happened, most of it good.  I saw Hunter go to print.  I let go of my zine.  I joined Lilley Press.  Left.  Joined again, this time as a partner and Business Manager.  Saw my Piper published.  Started a few new projects only to have them sort of deflate and wither away.  Got to the end of the Cartel and then realized most of where it was going wasn't working and needed to be redone (I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do that).  I moved twice.  Got a raise at work.  Watched my boyo go off to Afghanistan twice.  Watched him also go off to Germany twice.  Got to spend Christmas with my dad for the first time in something like 20 years.  I wrote a lot of words, but I've also been fighting with a persistent case of burn-out that hasn't totally gone away.  The whole writing thing has gone from being a joy to being just...tiring. 

2009 is going to be a resting year for me.  I've thought about alot the past month or two and I really need to take some time to not write.  To let my muse recover and regroup.  I've taken all of my writing files off the computer and saved them to my flash drive, with the exception of The Cartel -- I'll still probably still poke away at that one.  I'm going to concentrate on my work for Lilley Press, I'm going to read lots, and I'm going to work at creating a better balance between the creative me, and the other me.  I'm going to try to get out of the house a little more and do more things.  Spend more time with friends and less time at the computer.  Concentrate for awhile on the job that actually pays the bills.  The whole "writing dream" is a little tarnished right now -- I'm just tired and discouraged and I know better than to try to create when I feel like this.  I'm hoping that the creative joy will come back gradually now that I've given myself permission to take some time off.  Maybe, if I leave it alone it will get better. 

And if it doesn't, well...at least I can say I've been published, right?

So, I'm leaving on Saturday to spend Christmas with my dad in BC -- I won't be home until the 27th or 28th.  To all of you on my flist - I hope you have a very merry Christmas, and I'll see you in 2009 :)